I’ve been sitting on something in me for a long time – the call to write. Not write about other people’s experiences, or features articles or paid commissions, but putting the whispers of my soul down on paper (the screen).
It’s utterly terrifying honestly. I’ve blogged a bit in the past about various things, I’ve done travel blogs and mama blogs, but what I feel compelled to write about now is addiction and recovery, about mental health and about spiritual practices. Above all, I want to write about learning to deeply listen and trust your own intuition and what magic can happen when you run and jump, trusting what your soul already knows – that you will find your feet in brand new territory.
My relationship with the universe began at university – which seems apt given the closeness in the words. I was a recovering addict at the time and I felt pretty cynical about almost everything.
Boring school assemblies droning on about something that happened 2000 years ago had done little to connect me with a sense of something bigger than myself. Ecstasy and cannabis had made me feel good though, until I became reliant on them to go about my days. I felt dirty and hazy and like this had to stop.
I confided in my dear mother who started to talk about her spiritual beliefs. My complex, beautiful, damaged mum had been a follower of 2 Indian Gurus (Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Sri Sri Ravi Shankar) in her time and raised me with an eccentric mix of Eastern practices and Glaswegian fieriness. My teenage self despised anything that made me different and rebelled against her bizarre beliefs, until I was desperate. Until I was thirsty to understand more about life and my role in it.
I listened to her descriptions of a loving universe, how god is magnificent and unconditionally loving. I read books like Friendship with God by Neale Donald Walsh, The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield and The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo. All pointed to an understanding of the world that was intimately connected and intelligent. They spoke of developing a relationship with God/the universe/source by praying, asking questions and listening.
The Celestine Prophecy spoke of keeping your energy high to be able to clearly distinguish the internal pointers, nudges and messages you might receive. It spoke of a connection to the natural world that helped facilitate this higher, more vibrant way of being.
The Alchemist talked of noticing signs in the external world and following them. It talked of looking for treasure, travelling the world and realising that what you were seeking was at home, had always been at home, you just needed the perspective shift that came about by traveling in order to see it.
Friendship with God (and it’s predecessors Conversations with God 1, 2 and 3) spoke about cultivating an actual conversation with a higher power, one that was informal and easy and personal. Author Neale Donald Walsh journalled and asked questions and found that answers would arrive in his head as he sought to write them down.
I liked these books. Life seemed painful and at times hopeless. I felt tearful and depressed and yet as the layers of emotional pain moved through me, I was beginning to settle into something that felt strong and clear and true. I wanted to believe, but I was cynical.
A friend of mine had given me a little seed and planting kit that I had put on my windowsill months ago. I woke up one morning feeling exhausted and very alone.
‘Ok universe,’ I thought, ‘If any of this is real and you actually are guiding me, (A la Alchemist) then give me a sign… let my plant have sprouted.’
I lifted my curtain to reveal said plant and took two steps back in surprise. Much more than a tiny show of green, the thing had sprouted an inch over night.
Irrationally, a thrill of excitement and hope went through me. It was small, but it was a start.
Since then I have developed a much more regular relationship with my higher self/intuition/source. I journal, I listen, I act on what I hear. My internal nudges took me around the world where I experienced the most unimaginably profound things that blew apart my world view and broke my heart open. They lead me to become a mother and to face all of the demons in my closet. They lead me to a richer, clearer, significantly more beautiful experience of life and carved me out to be a generally bit nicer person.
I believe. I more than believe, I deeply know.
I trust that my intuition knows better than my rational mind about how to make life decisions. I believe that the world massively needs to learn how to follow a deeper internal GPS. The rational mind reviews what has been done, it tries to imitate or discard learning. You can only build upon what has already been done. But the world is changing fast. What has already been done will no longer do. Our systems and institutions and personal lives require us now to go deeper, to question. Who are we really? What are we doing here? How do we carve a meaningful life?
I think that within each one of us, we have the answer.
And yet, I’m still scared. I'm scared of putting something so deep in me out there for EVERYONE to see. It's vulnerable and challenging.
I’ve been having the internal nudges to write some of this down for a long time. But my intuition is starting to speak more loudly now. If I don’t get some of this out, if I don’t put my fingers to the keyboard, I'm going to get frustrated and depleted with the effort of trying to do anything different.
So I’m in. It’s coming. A tale of learning to listen to the whispers of your soul and how to follow that, of traveling round the world to find the treasures that had been there all along, and the changes of mind and heart that were needed to see it.